My Mercurial Nature — embracing myself even when others don't.

Lies My Narcisstic Mom Told About Me

January 12, 2012

I often wonder why it was so hard for me to tell the truth as a child. I would create fantastical stories about myself and my family. I would oversell what I could do and who I was and it cost me a lot. But when I look back on my childhood, I realize that lies were a part of my upbringing. But it never became more apparent to me, just how much she lied, until I went away to school. She lied about me, my sisters, my dad, everyone. It was awful and made me as if my whole life was a fantasy. I had know footing because my ground was built from lies. So, to help purge the lies, I offer Lies My Narcisstic Mom Told About Me. To Camp Counselors: ”Kristina is sexually aggressive and loose,” after I was [...]

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Finding Healing: I am the Daughter of a Narcissistic Mom

January 9, 2012

Mothers! Yep, it all comes back to mothers and in 2011 it came back with a vengeance. There were so many realizations. Too many to recount today, but in keeping with my determination to Do-Renew-Complete in the next stage of my life, I have decided to reject the motherlode of all monkeys on my back: my Mother (NM). To do this, I have to come clean! I have to come clean and admit that I am a motherless-daughter and that there is a backstory- a long, strange, backstory that extends way beyond anything I have written about before. And I’m purging so that I can move forward… Let Go and Move Forward. Sounds good! Let’s start at the beginning: the woman who raised me is a Narcissistic Mom (NM). Specifically, she is The Avenger. And because nothing I can say will explain it [...]

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Broiled Lamchops with Basalmic Vinegar and Cilantro Glaze and Sautéed Cabbage with Bacon and Tomato

January 4, 2012

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Pen!

January 4, 2012

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We often whisper in the dark

December 15, 2011

I’ve been there before. In that dark place where the stark reality of life is too much to bear and all that seems possible is death. It has taken me years to crawl out of the pit of what many would call teen-angst but what was emotional and physical abuse. There are scars. So many scars. There is fear. And anger. And coldness that creeps out when my mind is exhausted. I’ve been there before and some days, I slip back there never knowing if I will be able to catapult myself to safety. This rawness of emotion that the depressed person feels is also what enables us to recognize it in others. Our extreme empathetic nature often allows despair to scream to us across great distances. There’s a part of us screaming too, and that daft echo – is [...]

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The Urge to Fly

September 11, 2011

Life is never as simple as it we want. There are so many things that throw us into a topsy-turvy hell that makes it so hard to focus. Often times, it’s impossible to see the forest for the trees and sometimes what must be done is clear as day. I’ve been in a personal “what-the-fuck” for the longest time. Sure, depression plays a role in some of this, but much of it stems from a lack of awareness and a limited supply of confidence. I’ve grown restless and very tired of this mundane existence- not unhappy, just tired. So I took some time off. Some time to recalibrate and to decide on my next move. See, I’m a planner but not really a doer. I can plan with the best of them but stepping off the cliff- taking the leap [...]

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Making Homemade Ice Cream

July 29, 2011

It took 5 minutes. 8.5 minutes if you factor in prep time. Making homemade ice cream was the easiest thing I have ever done, and that is saying a lot considering I have also said that about my potato-leek soup. I admit this recipe is not mine- I found it via Pinterest and it lives here. But she admits that it’s not her recipe either. Nonetheless, it made for some fun today! So what do you need? 1 cup half and half 1 cup salt 2 tablespoons of sugar 1/4 teaspoon Vanilla Extract (or any flavor you choose) Ice small zip-loc bag Gallon ziploc bag Mix sugar, vanilla, and half & half. Pour into smaller bag. Seal )if this is a problem for you as it is for me, have your child/spouse seal it because it will leak and get [...]

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A Quick Blip: Manning Marable’s Malcolm

June 25, 2011

Malcolm X: A Life of Reinvention by Manning Marable My rating: 3 of 5 stars While Marable’s writing definitely keeps you interested, I have mixed feelings about the “revelations” Marable offers. Much of it is nothing more than speculation and hearsay (he uses the phrase “Malcolm may…” quite a bit) and while Marable offers a lot in the way or citations, I was not satisfied with his proof. I found myself often wondering what his motive was as there seems to be hints of classism and elitism. And the judgmental tone is a bit much after a while. Nonetheless, interesting read! View all my reviews

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From Pain to Pure Love

June 22, 2011

If you know me- and I mean really know me – then you know that my relationship with my mother has not been good for a long time. Somewhere between the ages of 10 and 12 our relationship became a shell of its former self and for years we struggled to even be in the same room with one another. There are so many stories that I could share. So many hurtful things said, so many lies told. But the crux is that we will NEVER be civil. Never be anything more than the a fragmented relationship of hurt and anger. And to protect my daughter from that relationship, I have decided that having no contact with her at all is the best thing for us. Unfortunately, I sometimes still struggle with the “why” and often find myself wondering what [...]

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