Finding Healing: I am the Daughter of a Narcissistic Mom

Mothers!

Yep, it all comes back to mothers and in 2011 it came back with a vengeance. There were so many realizations. Too many to recount today, but in keeping with my determination to Do-Renew-Complete in the next stage of my life, I have decided to reject the motherlode of all monkeys on my back: my Mother (NM). To do this, I have to come clean! I have to come clean and admit that I am a motherless-daughter and that there is a backstory- a long, strange, backstory that extends way beyond anything I have written about before. And I’m purging so that I can move forward… Let Go and Move Forward. Sounds good!

Let’s start at the beginning: the woman who raised me is a Narcissistic Mom (NM). Specifically, she is The Avenger. And because nothing I can say will explain it better than this excerpt from When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends, I’ll just quote it here. All bolds are mine to illustrate the parts of the passage that refere specifically to my mother.

The Avenger

Exploitative, shunning, degrading, terrorizing, rejecting, isolating, ignoring, corrupting and physically abusive.  Narcissistic Personality Disorder fits these types well.  They yell and scream.  If there is a disloyal child in the family, this type of mother will make sure to ‘evict’ them from the family completely.  Walking on eggshells is what the family members experience day-to-day, as these mothers are predictably unpredictable.  Vain and preoccupied with looks (yours and theirs).  They want you to look good so you will make them look good but when your good-looks get more attention then theirs or the GC’s, they will cut you down.  Competitive in nature.  They charge their daughters with accusations of sexual perverseness and promiscuity.  They have an invasive curiosity about their daughter’s sex lives, bodies, and romantic lives.  Known for their “surprise attacks”.  Lacking empathy and conversations with them always go back to themselves.  Masters of the non sequitor.

I could have put that whole passage in bold without feeling that I exaggerated anything but I wanted to stick to the portion of this passage that highlights who my NM really is at her core. And these sentiments are not mine alone (this is the part where I prove that I’m not crazy or a brat as she has told me). Many of my family members and her “friends” have spoken with me in detail about some of the things she has done to them or things that they have witnesses them doing, and The Avenger is definitely my NM. And despite all of this, I have spent years protecting her, being the scapegoat, searching for her approval, and trying to mold myself into someone who has not endured life as the daughter of a NM.

But no more!

I’ve wanted to do this for so long but held off because after my sister died in 2009 and I thought that maybe, just maybe, things would be different. They were. She has decided that my remaining sister and I are responsible for our oldest sister’s life (and ultimately her death) and that we are not worthy of having her in our lives. And after she tried to turn me against my sister, I put my foot down and told her no more. I have initiated No Contact (NC) with her as of November 2011 (prior to that I tried but would still call once in a while) and it is MY CHOICE now!

Writing here is my outlet. I will do so without worry or concern about anyone from my “real” life reading my words. I know that most people who know my NM will be able to see all of this in their own relationships with her and so I choose to step into the role of “bad daughter” and “traitor”  to reveal the dark secrets so that I can heal myself and enjoy the rest of my life without the pain.

I deserve that much!