From Pain to Pure Love

If you know me- and I mean really know me – then you know that my relationship with my mother has not been good for a long time. Somewhere between the ages of 10 and 12 our relationship became a shell of its former self and for years we struggled to even be in the same room with one another. There are so many stories that I could share. So many hurtful things said, so many lies told. But the crux is that we will NEVER be civil. Never be anything more than the a fragmented relationship of hurt and anger. And to protect my daughter from that relationship, I have decided that having no contact with her at all is the best thing for us.

Unfortunately, I sometimes still struggle with the “why” and often find myself wondering what was it about me that wasn’t good enough. Children of Toxic Parents are notorious for thinking it was something that we did to incur the wrath of our moms or dads. We often try to rationalize irrational behavior and find ourselves spending thousands on therapy and self-help books in search of answers as to why this mother-daughter relationship has gone terribly wrong.

I became a mother on February 22, 2oo3. When I was 19.5 weeks pregnant we lost out first daughter Samantha Michelle. It was the worst day of my life (and I have had a few days that are close in awfulness). We were in Las Vegas with our family for what have been our wedding day. Instead, it was the day that we said goodbye to the little girl that we would never know. But in that moment, in that dark, cold, and soul-shattering moment, I learned what being a mother is all about. I learned that being a mother was something more than my own mother was capable of understanding. Of conceiving, even. Because in that moment I realized that there is something called pure love and some people are capable of giving it and some are not.

She left me in Las Vegas with nothing  other than a nonchalant “take care” and a lukewarm hug.

Yet alone, I wan not. My husband, my best friend, proved that his love was unwavering. It was judgement-free and filled with hope, respect, and understanding. I often talk about how much girls need their dads, and I still believe that. But I learned, as I sat slumped in that hospital bed, that a child’s first example of love is that of their mom’s. Women marry their dads because they are emulating their moms. We become extensions of our mothers absorbing their personalities and creating a standard that is based in large part on the one that they have set for themselves.

When your example is toxic, you become toxic by association unless you make an effort to change- to break the cycle.

I struggle every day to ensure that the example of love that I set for my daughter is different than the one I had as a child.  I have to remember that mistakes are normal and that a mistake is not a slap in the face to me. I have to remember to show my daughter that affection doesn’t come at the price of giving up your choices. I have to remember that she did not ask to be here and that I must show her that her presence here is not a burden or a problem.

It’s not as hard as it sounds. My husband has been my guide for a long time. He saved me from myself and from the pit of hate that my mother thrust me into long ago. He gave me permission to break down and admit that I was lost. He is my rock and I am eternally grateful.

Have you experienced pure love?